South Park's Eric Cartman advises Governor Christie on the $400,000,000 misunderstanding

Gov. Chris Christie and South Park's Eric Cartman (click here) have a least a few things in common: they're fat, Republican and out of control. However, Eric Cartman seems to have one talent sadly lacking in the Governor of New Jersey.

When in trouble Cartman knows how to finesse his way out by taking things to the next level. Christie's handling of this $400,000,000 school funding 'Race to the Top' misunderstanding is a perfect example of taking the low road: blame Obama, fire Schundler .

Christie, dude, you went belly-up on almost half billion! What were your advisers doing to salvage the Situation (come to think of it he could have given you better advice from the Jersey Shore, click here.) New Jersey needs all the help it can get. A few advisers should have walked the plank.

But I'm digressing too much. I did what your advisers should have done. I called Cartman in South Park, interrupted his back to school shopping -he's in the fifth grade and begged him for advice. Here is what he said:

“Ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, oh let me stop laughing. This too much. Let me see,...yes,yes. They forgot to include....ha, ha, ha. OK, OK I've got it! Stay with me on this. Here's what I think.

Unlike me the Governor has not made an effort to keep himself informed and has not read the State Ranking of Per Capita Spending, Per-Capita Tax Burden on the Federal Dollar: Fiscal 2005 (click here.) Had he read it he would have been outraged.... and it's only one page long with 3 columns of information with each state being ranked by state in that column. To simplify matters, lets compare 2 states on the document, Alaska and New Jersey -a 'red state' and a 'blue state.'

Column-1: Ranking by Per Capita Total Spending -how much the federal government returns to the state per individual. Alaska is ranked number 1, receiving $13,788. New Jersey is ranked number 35, receiving $6,771.

Column-2: Ranking by Per Capita Tax Burden -how much each state sends to the federal government per individual. Alaska is ranked number number 17, sending $7,215. New Jersey is ranked number 2, sending $9,947.

Now it gets worse.

Column-3: Ranking by Return on Federal Tax Dollar -for every dollar the state gives the federal government, how much is given back. Alaska is ranked number 4, receiving $1.83 for every dollar sent.

New Jersey is ranked number 50, receiving 65 cents for every dollar sent.

Lets put that into numbers we can all understand. Alaska sent $4.8 billion to federal government and received back $9.2 billion. That's $4.4 billion more than it sent. New Jersey sent $86.5 billion and received back $58.9 billion. That's $27.6 billion less than it sent. Does anyone see a problem? I sure do. A billion here, a billion there; soon your talking about a lot of money.

Alaska is being flooded with money while New Jersey is being bled dry. No wonder they can afford bridges to nowhere. The Governor should be apoplectic, 'my state gives you $27 billion dollars more than it receives every year and you're hassling me over $400 million? Well you know what you can do with your $400 million?

OK, OK here's what he really needs to do to salvage the situation and maintain his Presidential ambitions.

1. 
   
   
   
   Call a meeting to include the Assembly, the Upper house, the Congressional Representatives and the press.
2. 
   
   
   
   Hold up that state ranking document like it was Senator McCarthy holding up a list of Communist conspirators .
3. 
   
   
   
   Announce that he going to organize a States Rights Tax Fairness Group to lobby for a more equitable distribution of the tax dollar i.e. New Jersey has more then enough money to solve its state tax problems; it just that the Federal Government refuses to give us our fair share.
4. 
   
   
   
   As a backup plan. If all else fails and he still wants to be considered as a potential Presidential candidate, he can become a contestant on the Biggest Loser. “

I just want to thank Eric Cartman for his advice and I hope that Governor Christie will Find it useful.